18 Self HatredPosted: April 20, 2012
My last post may have made it sound like you have or you do not have shame. Actually, we live in a mixture between feeling shame and feeling loved. In this confusion, we ask the question, “Am I so bad?” We seek ways to prove to ourselves that we are not so bad. Our tendency toward perfectionism is one of them. Self-hatred contrasts with shame by providing an answer to shame’s question. “I am so bad!”
Oddly enough, self-hatred can at times feel better than shame. We ask ourselves, “Am I so bad?” Our feelings of being loved and of feeling shamed fight each other. The arguments between love and shame create tension and insecurity as they rage unresolved. In contrast, self-hatred gives a false sense of being settled or resolved, even if in a negative way.
When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. “I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.” “What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.” So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself. Matthew 27: 3-5
Self-hatred flows into self-punishing behaviors. These behaviors done to self vary in destructiveness from hair pulling, excessive scratching, pinching and cutting, to suicide. Physical pain feels like it brings relief from the emotional pain, but is only a temporary distraction; the emotional pain eventually returns (in the case of suicide, the pain is eternal).
For those of us who experience self-hatred, God’s love can seem hopelessly unrealistic. Take heart. Jesus makes us whole. He can heal you. Bringing the dead to life is one of God’s specialties.
You may have prayed for years to be healed. Keep praying. Ask others to pray with you. Deep emotional healing takes time. You need tell others about your struggle. This may include counseling.
If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, call for help. You could call your church and ask to speak to a pastor. If you are not willing to talk to someone in your circle of acquaintances, call the Christian Suicide Prevention at 888-667-5947, website: http://www.christiansuicideprevention.com/ if you are contemplating suicide, suffering in silence could result in your death. Do get help.
Finding relief and hope in the journey,
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Bringing grace and truth to the downcast; reflecting the light we have received so that others can better see. Prayers needed.